█▀▀▀▀▀▀▀ nao's ▀▀▀▀▀▀▀█
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░ whiny diary ░
■ 。゜゜(´Ｏ`) ゜゜。■
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welcome, hyperlink travellerz...
you may stay in here for as long as you like, for
there is a great submarine cable wiring us all
together tonight
21-8-22 16-1-22 26-10-21 14-10-21
13-10-21 16-9-21 11-9-21 10-9-21
8-9-21 7-9-21 6-9-21 5-9-21
21-8-22 at 1:47am
A new entry goes down on my permanent record,
digitally surrended, I aid on it's conception.
Most thoughts are deceased, their remaints on
earth are unborn, soon to be procedurally etched
into our brains; as for my own, they get puked
onto the web, they will live forever as someone
cares enough for them.
My skin can't catch a break these days, despite
our best efforts, the thought of relapse is
given birth almost every night, most times
puked at the eyes of my audience, the ones I
lure into witnessing my impression of a broken
sink. Their attention means the world to my
starving conscience.
No amount of medicine has helped me so far
detain this excruciating cyle of birth and
puke, it's starting to worry me, my puke was
digital, it's escaped this realm and now my life
is at risk.
It is with an immense sense of dread that I
bleed, after giving out my body in exchange for
these miscarried thoughts, now materialized.
I lay down waiting for the next boy to toy with.
16-1-22 at 4:42am
Second attempt at writing, currently inebriated
with estrogen and tap water.
This is one way of reminding you I still live,
you don't know how nice it is to have someone to
talk to.
The intriguing part about talking to you is that
I can't tell who you are, maybe you are one of
my best friends or maybe you are a permanent
stain in my brain I can't get rid of, maybe you
don't know me at all, I don't know. I don't want
you to take the things I say here personally,
they are just my thoughts and I don't mean them
to hurt anyone.
This is the first entry after starting my
hormonal transition, for the longest part I
never thought I would make it to this point, it
always remained a dream and nothing more than
one, the struggle continues however, now in ways
I didn't exactly expect. I want to tell you about
everything I've noticed so far, it gets pretty
dense from here, try not to stare directly into
my words.
At almost a month in, I want out.
What was I expecting from a second puberty when
the first one was so traumatic, living in this
nightmare for so many years left my body scarred
beyond repair. The very first week I didn't
notice much, apart from nausea and the permanent
need to pee every 30 minutes due to puberty
blockers, I too became more emotional, but it
wasn't until the second or third week that
everything started going wrong. Most people
close to me are aware of my issues with mental
health, self harm and suicide, so I thought
maybe transition would help me out, maybe
improve my mental health a bit, I was even
starting to go to therapy, then, all thoughts
seemed to increment in size, taking a bigger
space in my head, awful thoughts, suicide was
the most recurrent.
Does that make you as scared as it makes me?, I
think I'm in danger and I blame these pills, but
what other options do I have?, just living
forever in the crushing misery of growing apart
from my own body, breathing to witness my own
decay; it's not preferable to what I have now.
I'm getting overwhelmed but it was nice talking
to you, I will try to post more often.
song of the day:
Mörder (Part 2) by M.B.
26-10-21 at 12:44am
I have a disease deeply rooted in the brain,
still not quite sure what it may be yet I would
give it all to ease this affliction.
Tonight I'm surrounded by them, bugs that fly
around or crawl towards me as the light that
burns their bodies, moths living in my hair,
the buzzing sound of flies and spiders who can't
seem to catch a prey, all starving in this empty
room whose sole ruler is me.
I wish they knew I fully comprehend them and
their pain, I too live inside of a room I can't
escape.
This room has seen me lose it many times, seen
me beaten up, crying, bleeding, it's seen me do
things that I'm too ashamed to admit to.
Maybe it's her influence over this space that
makes my internal monologue feel like a weird
dialogue, I may be going mad but their advice
is more valuable than anything I could and
will tell myself.
I wish to talk more about the things I've done
but I can't handle them in my current state.
could you tell me what I have? would knowing
help at all?
song of the day:
"Corazón de Escarcha" by Chamal
14-10-21 at 3:13am
the best of ideas come to mind when im weeping,
you could see what I'm thinking of by
looking at the way my veins are arranged
tonight.
Yesterday I heard silence, a break from the
monotonous static burnt into my ears, something
was letting me rest. I made it through the day
sleeping, dreaming about mourning for someone's
mother, perhaps I could mourn for my own.
Although pretty much alive, pretending that
she's dead brings a comforting feeling of
sadness to my chest.
Mom holds me as a mother would, I stare numbly
when she carves poetry into my skin.
Mom will take out my insides, but I won't
complain, for her beauty soothes my pain.
Mom helps me wake up.
it's a recurring nightmare.
song of the day:
"Mãe (mãe solteira)" by Tom Zé
13-10-21 at 4:02am
About the past few weeks and days to come.
I gave life a shot, didn't quite understand what
shooting meant in that context.
My hopeless brain would get an upgrade, I was
sure everything would change when I first
sent them a message, regardless of all
that sugar and spice that came with that feeling,
I was still far from relieved, so held together
by bare wires, I awaited for instructions.
Fast forward to a few weeks later, I had done it,
they had given me a few numbers and wished me
luck, that was when the best of life had to come
in, I found myself at home, I had allowed myself
to dream.
Dreams come true in tales, I don't believe anyone
wants me in theirs, following them would probably
disturb my routine, I like that as an excuse.
It's all been a matter of mantaining comfort in
life, yet many aspects inherent to it attempt
against that purpose, uncertainty being the one
brainworm that breaks me into tears the most.
For the days to come, I may try a different,
unorthodox approach to life, I'll tell you more
about it once it takes over, for now, I think
I'll rest. (＿ ＿*) Z z z
song for today and those days
"Bernal" by Nunavut
16-9-21 at 5:37pm
It's been a few days and well...٩(ˊ〇ˋ*)و I'm not
doing that bad anymore, life still sucks as one
could expect, but my self destruction is becoming
more of a repressed desire to hurt myself than an
action. Anyways...
It's about to be independence day here in Chile,
well... we could argue that our independence has
paved the way for new forms of oppression to
arise, those that we, to this day, haven't
managed to get rid of. Luckily for the people, we
have just about enough culture to brag about how
great our traditions are for one entire
month ! ! !...
You can tell I'm not a fan of this holiday, it
glorifies this patriarchal society and celebrates
cruelty towards animals, don't you think they
have suffered enough already?
It's interesting to go back in time in the
history of our country, back when culture belonged
to the people and they weren't being dictated how
they should make art by gringos or europeans,
owners of the international corporations that own
Chile. Nowadays, the only aspect in our culture
that belongs to us is nothing more than empty
(but meaningful way back then) slogans invented
by some poet in the 70s that people like to chant
in unison while protesting.
song of they day ! ヽ(o´∀`)ﾉ♪♬
"Mazúrquica Modérnica" by Violeta Parra
11-9-21
...Y es así como siempre debió de ser, hoy
aprendo a creer en un destino inmutable, cual
en mi limitada comprensión supe predecir hace ya
años. Esa certidumbre no sale de la nada,
sino que partió como una leve sospecha que con el
tiempo se desenvolvió en una verdad casi
absoluta.
Siento una gran rabia contra todo lo que alguna
vez me dañó y mas aún contra esa gente que mañana
verá en sus bolsillos el gran patrimonio que les
dejó mi seguro de vida.
Aceptando hoy lo que depare el mañana, les
agradezco por haberme acompañado <3
song: "Es Como I" by Estela Magnone & Jaime Roos
10-9-21 at 1:04am
i had typed a long chunk of text, now I wnt to
relapse, god
8-9-21 at 3:01am
Hey, it's me again. ( ´ ω ` )ノﾞ
Today, for once in a long while I could at least
get out of bed in the morning. Tonight, I'm
laying down. If it were for me, I'd stay below
these blankets for all eternity... Now hidden to
my eyes is my own naked corpse. I try not to look
at it if possible. I remember showering with the
lights off to try and deal with whatever I was
feeling back then. It's of course, been all in
vain, I'm feeling as disgusting as ever, whoever
gets to see me now might just feel the same.
I want to be perceived, I always lie about it. I
wish to be seen and some times desired, I wish
to change the smallest details that give
everything away, I wish to succeed in life once
I find out how to live. I'm so mad...
I too want me to keep bleeding, as if these
wounds had never healed. It's such an icy feeling
I had prepared a bunch of border styles to
represent my mood each day but so far I've just
used the red one, I know some day you'll see
green or maybe gold in here.
song of the day ／(･ × ･)＼
"Old Echo" by Nesey Gallons
7-9-21 at 5:02am
Hola a todes ! (*・ω・)ﾉ Naomi here. . .
It's that time of night for me again, time to
squeeze my brain dry for any drops of inspiration
I may have left. Exhausted from everyday
nothingness, I begin with my ramblings.
Nothing happened today (yet again), it's another
one of those nights on which I try to remember
what caused me to ruin myself forever. I mean, if
nothing ever happens, why did I once want to end
it all?
That feeling of impotence, the one you get when
you don't know who to blame, it's making me
believe I'm guilty on all charges against nobody
but myself, this conflicts with another feeling,
that one of powerlessness, how could I be found
guilty If I'm not capable of getting ahold of my
own life?
May this be why tonight i'm yearning for power,
just enough to take back control of my life.
song of the day. [edited (7-9-21 at 2:35pm)]
"Dulce 3 Nocturno" by Pescado Rabioso
6-9-21 at 4:30am
Hello again, it's I. (・∀・)ノ
and what a surprise... I didn't do anything
today, you should probably get accustomed to that
if you are planning on reading whatever I end up
writing here.
It has been one of those days on which I feel as
if I were sedated from the moment I stepped out
of bed, I didn't need anything. I ate, hid and
showered late at night, yet still feel dirty.
(⇀‸↼‶)
I don't think anyone minds my absence anymore, as
if my empty stare had blended into the
surroundings. Despite this, I am constantly
feeling overwhelmed by emotions I don't
understand.
[this part was cringy as fuck so i erased
it. . .(6-9-21 at 3:15pm)]
Anyways, I miss those moments in my life, those
that brought me closer with the human condition.
tonight I feel like garbage (∪.∪)｡｡｡zzZ
song of the day !
"Is She Fiona" by The Gerbils
5-9-21 at 5:10am
first entry !, how fun. ...φ(・∀・*)
how about a little introduction for those who
don't know me just yet? so, my name's Naomi and
has been for a few years already. I live in
Chile, I'm currently 18 years old and uhhh I'm
also a trans girl-person-thing, kind of depends
on how my little brain is wired to function each
day...
I'll try to be as honest as I can when typing, so
if you wish to know me better please do knowing
that I am an ill person not really trying my
best.
onto whatever happened today, it was an average
day ┐('～`;)┌
we went out with part of my family to the beach,
it all looked the same as the last time we were
there, we sat on a restaurant and some street
performers started doing a play about a man who
lived there at the port and had signed a deal
with the devil.
my phone died mid trip so I had a lot of time
alone with my brain.
for some reason, whenever a thought crosses my
mind I just wanna knock myself out, stupidly
enough, I don't feel worthy of thinking about
the future or all things that could go well,
some part of me thinks nothing will ever go well.
to be honest, nothing else happened today ┐(˘､˘)┌
right now there's a rat or some living thing up
in the attic, can't remember for how long it's
been there but it just won't let me sleep, I
think it's having babies or just chewing on wood.
anyways, song of the day !, how's that ( ^▽^)
"Quiero estar entre tus cosas" by Daniel Melero
tomorrow I'll come up with a better story, I'll
tell you about it if manage to wake up.
(\_(\
(=’ :’)
(,(”)(”)