whiny diary

sad 。゜゜(´O`) ゜゜。 sad
welcome, hyperlink travellerz... you may stay in here for as long as you like, for there is a great submarine cable wiring us all together tonight
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14-10-21 at 3:13am
the best of ideas come to mind when im weeping, you could see what I'm thinking of by looking at the way my veins are arranged tonight.

Yesterday I heard silence, a break from the monotonous static burnt into my ears, something was letting me rest. I made it through the day sleeping, dreaming about mourning for someone's mother, perhaps I could mourn for my own. Although pretty much alive, pretending that she's dead brings a comforting feeling of sadness to my chest.

Mom holds me as a mother would, I stare numbly when she carves poetry into my skin.
Mom will take out my insides, but I won't complain, for her beauty soothes my pain.
Mom helps me wake up.

it's a recurring nightmare.

song of the day:

"Mãe (mãe solteira)" by Tom Zé (restart the page If you see the main page's playlist)
13-10-21 at 4:02am
About the past few weeks and days to come.

I gave life a shot, didn't quite understand what shooting meant in that context.

My hopeless brain would get an upgrade, I was sure everything would change when I first sent them a message, regardless of all that sugar and spice that came with that feeling, I was still far from relieved, so held together by bare wires, I awaited for instructions.

Fast forward to a few weeks later, I had done it, they had given me a few numbers and wished me luck, that was when the best of life had to come in, I found myself at home, I had allowed myself to dream.

Dreams come true in tales, I don't believe anyone wants me in theirs, following them would probably disturb my routine, I like that as an excuse.

It's all been a matter of mantaining comfort in life, yet many aspects inherent to it attempt against that purpose, uncertainty being the one brainworm that breaks me into tears the most.

For the days to come, I may try a different, unorthodox approach to life, I'll tell you more about it once it takes over, for now, I think I'll rest. (_ _*) Z z z

song for today and those days

"Bernal" by Nunavut (restart the page If you see the main page's playlist)
16-9-21 at 5:37pm
It's been a few days and well...٩(ˊ〇ˋ*)و I'm not doing that bad anymore, life still sucks as one could expect, but my self destruction is becoming more of a repressed desire to hurt myself than an action. Anyways...

It's about to be independence day here in Chile, well... we could argue that our independence has paved the way for new forms of oppression to arise, those that we, to this day, haven't managed to get rid of. Luckily for the people, we have just about enough culture to brag about how great our traditions are for one entire month ! ! !...

You can tell I'm not a fan of this holiday, it glorifies this patriarchal society and celebrates cruelty towards animals, don't you think they have suffered enough already?

It's interesting to go back in time in the history of our country, back when culture belonged to the people and they weren't being dictated how they should make art by gringos or europeans, owners of the international corporations that own Chile. Nowadays, the only aspect in our culture that belongs to us is nothing more than empty (but meaningful way back then) slogans invented by some poet in the 70s that people like to chant in unison while protesting.

song of they day ! ヽ(o´∀`)ノ♪♬

"Mazúrquica Modérnica" by Violeta Parra (restart the page If you see the main page's playlist)
...Y es así como siempre debió de ser, hoy aprendo a creer en un destino inmutable, cual en mi limitada comprensión supe predecir hace ya años. Esa certidumbre no sale de la nada, sino que partió como una leve sospecha que con el tiempo se desenvolvió en una verdad casi absoluta.

Siento una gran rabia contra todo lo que alguna vez me dañó y mas aún contra esa gente que mañana verá en sus bolsillos el gran patrimonio que les dejó mi seguro de vida.

Aceptando hoy lo que depare el mañana, les agradezco por haberme acompañado <3

song: "Es Como I" by Estela Magnone & Jaime Roos
10-9-21 at 1:04am
i had typed a long chunk of text, now I wnt to relapse, god
8-9-21 at 3:01am
Hey, it's me again. ( ´ ω ` )ノ゙

Today, for once in a long while I could at least get out of bed in the morning. Tonight, I'm laying down. If it were for me, I'd stay below these blankets for all eternity... Now hidden to my eyes is my own naked corpse. I try not to look at it if possible. I remember showering with the lights off to try and deal with whatever I was feeling back then. It's of course, been all in vain, I'm feeling as disgusting as ever, whoever gets to see me now might just feel the same.

I want to be perceived, I always lie about it. I wish to be seen and some times desired, I wish to change the smallest details that give everything away, I wish to succeed in life once I find out how to live. I'm so mad...

I too want me to keep bleeding, as if these wounds had never healed. It's such an icy feeling

I had prepared a bunch of border styles to represent my mood each day but so far I've just used the red one, I know some day you'll see green or maybe gold in here.

song of the day /(・ × ・)\

"Old Echo" by Nesey Gallons, now on ZE WEB ! ! !(restart the page If you see the main page's playlist)
7-9-21 at 5:02am
Hola a todes ! (*・ω・)ノ Naomi here. . .

It's that time of night for me again, time to squeeze my brain dry for any drops of inspiration I may have left. Exhausted from everyday nothingness, I begin with my ramblings.

Nothing happened today (yet again), it's another one of those nights on which I try to remember what caused me to ruin myself forever. I mean, if nothing ever happens, why did I once want to end it all?

That feeling of impotence, the one you get when you don't know who to blame, it's making me believe I'm guilty on all charges against nobody but myself, this conflicts with another feeling, that one of powerlessness, how could I be found guilty If I'm not capable of getting ahold of my own life?

May this be why tonight i'm yearning for power, just enough to take back control of my life.

song of the day. [edited (7-9-21 at 14:35pm)] "Dulce 3 Nocturno" by Pescado Rabioso, playing NOW on the music player ! (restart the page If you see the main page's playlist)
6-9-21 at 4:30am
Hello again, it's I. (・∀・)ノ

and what a surprise... I didn't do anything today, you should probably get accustomed to that if you are planning on reading whatever I end up writing here.

It has been one of those days on which I feel as if I were sedated from the moment I stepped out of bed, I didn't need anything. I ate, hid and showered late at night, yet still feel dirty. (⇀‸↼‶)

I don't think anyone minds my absence anymore, as if my empty stare had blended into the surroundings. Despite this, I am constantly feeling overwhelmed by emotions I don't understand.

[this part was cringy as fuck so i erased it. . .(6-9-21 at 15:15pm)]

Anyways, I miss those moments in my life, those that brought me closer with the human condition.

tonight I feel like garbage (∪.∪)。。。zzZ

song of the day !
"Is She Fiona" by The Gerbils, up now on the musick player ! ! (restart the page if you see the main page's playlist)
5-9-21 at 5:10am
first entry !, how fun. ...φ(・∀・*)
how about a little introduction for those who don't know me just yet?
so, my name's Naomi and has been for a few years already. I live in Chile, I'm currently 18 years old and uhhh I'm also a trans girl-person-thing, kind of depends on how my little brain is wired to function each day... I'll try to be as honest as I can when typing, so if you wish to know me better please do knowing that I am an ill person not really trying my best.

onto whatever happened today, it was an average day ┐('~`;)┌

we went out with part of my family to the beach, it all looked the same as the last time we were there, we sat on a restaurant and some street performers started doing a play about a man who lived there at the port and had signed a deal with the devil.

my phone died mid trip so I had a lot of time alone with my brain.
for some reason, whenever a thought crosses my mind I just wanna knock myself out, stupidly enough, I don't feel worthy of thinking about the future or all things that could go well, some part of me thinks nothing will ever go well.

to be honest, nothing else happened today. ┐(˘、˘)┌

right now there's a rat or some living thing up in the attic, can't remember for how long it's been there but it just won't let me sleep, I think it's having babies or just chewing on wood.

anyways, song of the day !, how's that ( ^▽^)
"Quiero estar entre tus cosas" by Daniel Melero, should be up on the music player if you're using a computer. (restart the page if you see the main page's playlist)

tomorrow I'll come up with a better story, I'll tell you about it if manage to wake up.
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