21-8-22 at 1:47am
A new entry goes down on my permanent record, digitally surrended, I aid on it's conception.
Most thoughts are deceased, their remaints on earth are unborn, soon to be procedurally etched into our brains; as for my own, they get puked onto the web, they will live forever as someone cares enough for them.
My skin can't catch a break these days, despite our best efforts, the thought of relapse is given birth almost every night, most times puked at the eyes of my audience, the ones I lure into witnessing my impression of a broken sink. Their attention means the world to my starving conscience.
No amount of medicine has helped me so far detain this excruciating cyle of birth and puke, it's starting to worry me, my puke was digital, it's escaped this realm and now my life is at risk.
It is with an immense sense of dread that I bleed, after giving out my body in exchange for these miscarried thoughts, now materialized.
I lay down waiting for the next boy to toy with.
16-1-22 at 4:42am
Second attempt at writing, currently inebriated with estrogen and tap water.
This is one way of reminding you I still live, you don't know how nice it is to have someone to talk to. The intriguing part about talking to you is that I can't tell who you are, maybe you are one of my best friends or maybe you are a permanent stain in my brain I can't get rid of, maybe you don't know me at all, I don't know. I don't want you to take the things I say here personally, they are just my thoughts and I don't mean them to hurt anyone.
This is the first entry after starting my hormonal transition, for the longest part I never thought I would make it to this point, it always remained a dream and nothing more than one, the struggle continues however, now in ways I didn't exactly expect. I want to tell you about everything I've noticed so far, it gets pretty dense from here, try not to stare directly into my words.
At almost a month in, I want out.
What was I expecting from a second puberty when the first one was so traumatic, living in this nightmare for so many years left my body scarred beyond repair. The very first week I didn't notice much, apart from nausea and the permanent need to pee every 30 minutes due to puberty blockers, I too became more emotional, but it wasn't until the second or third week that everything started going wrong. Most people close to me are aware of my issues with mental health, self harm and suicide, so I thought maybe transition would help me out, maybe improve my mental health a bit, I was even starting to go to therapy, then, all thoughts seemed to increment in size, taking a bigger space in my head, awful thoughts, suicide was the most recurrent.
Does that make you as scared as it makes me?, I think I'm in danger and I blame these pills, but what other options do I have?, just living forever in the crushing misery of growing apart from my own body, breathing to witness my own decay; it's not preferable to what I have now.
I'm getting overwhelmed but it was nice talking to you, I will try to post more often.
song of the day:
Mörder (Part 2) by M.B.
26-10-21 at 12:44am
I have a disease deeply rooted in the brain, still not quite sure what it may be yet I would give it all to ease this affliction.
Tonight I'm surrounded by them, bugs that fly around or crawl towards me as the light that burns their bodies, moths living in my hair, the buzzing sound of flies and spiders who can't seem to catch a prey, all starving in this empty room whose sole ruler is me. I wish they knew I fully comprehend them and their pain, I too live inside of a room I can't escape.
This room has seen me lose it many times, seen me beaten up, crying, bleeding, it's seen me do things that I'm too ashamed to admit to.
Maybe it's her influence over this space that makes my internal monologue feel like a weird dialogue, I may be going mad but their advice is more valuable than anything I could and will tell myself.
I wish to talk more about the things I've done but I can't handle them in my current state.
could you tell me what I have? would knowing help at all?
song of the day:
"Corazón de Escarcha" by Chamal
14-10-21 at 3:13am
the best of ideas come to mind when im weeping, you could see what I'm thinking of by looking at the way my veins are arranged tonight.
Yesterday I heard silence, a break from the monotonous static burnt into my ears, something was letting me rest. I made it through the day sleeping, dreaming about mourning for someone's mother, perhaps I could mourn for my own. Although pretty much alive, pretending that she's dead brings a comforting feeling of sadness to my chest.
Mom holds me as a mother would, I stare numbly when she carves poetry into my skin.
Mom will take out my insides, but I won't complain, for her beauty soothes my pain.
Mom helps me wake up.
it's a recurring nightmare.
song of the day:
"Mãe (mãe solteira)" by Tom Zé (restart the page If you see the main page's playlist)
13-10-21 at 4:02am
About the past few weeks and days to come.
I gave life a shot, didn't quite understand what shooting meant in that context.
My hopeless brain would get an upgrade, I was sure everything would change when I first sent them a message, regardless of all that sugar and spice that came with that feeling, I was still far from relieved, so held together by bare wires, I awaited for instructions.
Fast forward to a few weeks later, I had done it, they had given me a few numbers and wished me luck, that was when the best of life had to come in, I found myself at home, I had allowed myself to dream.
Dreams come true in tales, I don't believe anyone wants me in theirs, following them would probably disturb my routine, I like that as an excuse.
It's all been a matter of mantaining comfort in life, yet many aspects inherent to it attempt against that purpose, uncertainty being the one brainworm that breaks me into tears the most.
For the days to come, I may try a different, unorthodox approach to life, I'll tell you more about it once it takes over, for now, I think I'll rest. (＿ ＿*) Z z z
song for today and those days
"Bernal" by Nunavut (restart the page If you see the main page's playlist)
16-9-21 at 5:37pm
It's been a few days and well...٩(ˊ〇ˋ*)و I'm not doing that bad anymore, life still sucks as one could expect, but my self destruction is becoming more of a repressed desire to hurt myself than an action. Anyways...
It's about to be independence day here in Chile, well... we could argue that our independence has paved the way for new forms of oppression to arise, those that we, to this day, haven't managed to get rid of. Luckily for the people, we have just about enough culture to brag about how great our traditions are for one entire month ! ! !...
You can tell I'm not a fan of this holiday, it glorifies this patriarchal society and celebrates cruelty towards animals, don't you think they have suffered enough already?
It's interesting to go back in time in the history of our country, back when culture belonged to the people and they weren't being dictated how they should make art by gringos or europeans, owners of the international corporations that own Chile. Nowadays, the only aspect in our culture that belongs to us is nothing more than empty (but meaningful way back then) slogans invented by some poet in the 70s that people like to chant in unison while protesting.
song of they day ! ヽ(o´∀`)ﾉ♪♬
"Mazúrquica Modérnica" by Violeta Parra (restart the page If you see the main page's playlist)
Siento una gran rabia contra todo lo que alguna vez me dañó y mas aún contra esa gente que mañana verá en sus bolsillos el gran patrimonio que les dejó mi seguro de vida.
Aceptando hoy lo que depare el mañana, les agradezco por haberme acompañado <3
8-9-21 at 3:01am
Hey, it's me again. ( ´ ω ` )ノﾞ
Today, for once in a long while I could at least get out of bed in the morning. Tonight, I'm laying down. If it were for me, I'd stay below these blankets for all eternity... Now hidden to my eyes is my own naked corpse. I try not to look at it if possible. I remember showering with the lights off to try and deal with whatever I was feeling back then. It's of course, been all in vain, I'm feeling as disgusting as ever, whoever gets to see me now might just feel the same.
I want to be perceived, I always lie about it. I wish to be seen and some times desired, I wish to change the smallest details that give everything away, I wish to succeed in life once I find out how to live. I'm so mad...
I too want me to keep bleeding, as if these wounds had never healed. It's such an icy feeling
I had prepared a bunch of border styles to represent my mood each day but so far I've just used the red one, I know some day you'll see green or maybe gold in here.
song of the day ／(･ × ･)＼
"Old Echo" by Nesey Gallons, now on ZE WEB ! ! !(restart the page If you see the main page's playlist)
7-9-21 at 5:02am
Hola a todes ! (*・ω・)ﾉ Naomi here. . .
It's that time of night for me again, time to squeeze my brain dry for any drops of inspiration I may have left. Exhausted from everyday nothingness, I begin with my ramblings.
Nothing happened today (yet again), it's another one of those nights on which I try to remember what caused me to ruin myself forever. I mean, if nothing ever happens, why did I once want to end it all?
That feeling of impotence, the one you get when you don't know who to blame, it's making me believe I'm guilty on all charges against nobody but myself, this conflicts with another feeling, that one of powerlessness, how could I be found guilty If I'm not capable of getting ahold of my own life?
May this be why tonight i'm yearning for power, just enough to take back control of my life.
song of the day. [edited (7-9-21 at 2:35pm)] "Dulce 3 Nocturno" by Pescado Rabioso, playing NOW on the music player ! (restart the page If you see the main page's playlist)
6-9-21 at 4:30am
Hello again, it's I. (・∀・)ノ
and what a surprise... I didn't do anything today, you should probably get accustomed to that if you are planning on reading whatever I end up writing here.
It has been one of those days on which I feel as if I were sedated from the moment I stepped out of bed, I didn't need anything. I ate, hid and showered late at night, yet still feel dirty. (⇀‸↼‶)
I don't think anyone minds my absence anymore, as white lineif my empty stare had blended into the surroundings. Despite this, I am constantly feeling overwhelmed by emotions I don't understand.
[this part was cringy as fuck so i erased it. . .(6-9-21 at 3:15pm)]
Anyways, I miss those moments in my life, those that brought me closer with the human condition.
tonight I feel like garbage (∪.∪)｡｡｡zzZ
song of the day !
"Is She Fiona" by The Gerbils, up now on the musick player ! ! (restart the page if you see the main page's playlist)
5-9-21 at 5:10am
first entry !, how fun. ...φ(・∀・*)
how about a little introduction for those who don't know me just yet?
so, my name's Naomi and has been for a few years already. I live in Chile, I'm currently 18 years old and uhhh I'm also a trans girl-person-thing, kind of depends on how my little brain is wired to function each day... I'll try to be as honest as I can when typing, so if you wish to know me better please do knowing that I am an ill person not really trying my best.
onto whatever happened today, it was an average day ┐('～`;)┌
we went out with part of my family to the beach, it all looked the same as the last time we were there, we sat on a restaurant and some street performers started doing a play about a man who lived there at the port and had signed a deal with the devil.
my phone died mid trip so I had a lot of time alone with my brain.
for some reason, whenever a thought crosses my mind I just wanna knock myself out, stupidly enough, I don't feel worthy of thinking about the future or all things that could go well, some part of me thinks nothing will ever go well.
to be honest, nothing else happened today. ┐(˘､˘)┌
right now there's a rat or some living thing up in the attic, can't remember for how long it's been there but it just won't let me sleep, I think it's having babies or just chewing on wood.
anyways, song of the day !, how's that ( ^▽^)
"Quiero estar entre tus cosas" by Daniel Melero, should be up on the music player if you're using a computer. (restart the page if you see the main page's playlist)
tomorrow I'll come up with a better story, I'll tell you about it if manage to wake up.